Reflections on a rainy, blustery day...

I spent a long afternoon after lunch on the rooftop of the library. Having missed the morning prayer session for a dental appointment (which burned a hole in my pocket due to something they called “tooth re-colouration” – actually filling some gaps that had been due to my ‘over-zealous’ brushing), something urged me to return to that place of solitude.

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Initially, I had planned to head down to Dr Ananda’s home at Marine Parade to pay my last respects this afternoon. But when I was finally on my way, I couldn’t bring myself to go in that direction. Instead, I headed toward his office, where a shrine had been created in his remembrance. A table with a simple plaid tablecloth stood next to the office door, which was open, allowing a glimpse into the scene of what would seem a typical academic’s work area. A coffee table had been laid out with simple delicacies that the late professor would have enjoyed – an open packet of Marlboros, three cans of stout, and a plastic cup of coffee that looked like it had come from the canteen. Simple fare indeed, I thought, for the down-to-earth man who had worked in these premises.

I glimpsed a folder which was named “Our deepest condolences”. In it were various articles, including the most recent from today’s Straits Times proclaiming “NUS PROFESSOR DIES OF HEART ATTACK”. I did not read any.

A book of condolence sat beside this folder, before a frame that had housed with a black and white photograph of Anada Rajah. Picking up the pen already there, I penned these words: “Dear Dr Ananda, thanks for being a great teacher, a good person, and a mentor to me. I pray for you in my heart. May you find peace”.

They were not the best-phrased words. I never intended them to be.

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The scenery atop the library was a welcome change from the hustle and bustle that one experienced when at lower levels of the university. At street level, the rain flowed over roads that had seen oh-so-many cars, and been resurfaced and even recoloured countless times. A bazaar went on at the Central Forum, where I had caught sight of an interesting calendar set that I had contemplated buying, before thinking otherwise to ‘save money’.

But that was then.

Now, I stood above it all, gazing out – towards the distant closeness of the Faculty of Architecture and beyond. The green domed roof of the Masjid Tentera Diraja peeked out behind this building. Further back, blocks of Housing Board flats stood against a somber grey sky. Inline with them, as I gazed to my left across the horizon, I made out the silhouttes of the wharf cranes at the Pasir Panjang docks, standing silently and forlornly like ancient dinosaurs in the beating rain – forgotten and dwelling only in our memories.

My eyes closed; I began to pray.

I prayed for the world. Too often, we make acquaintances, friends; we get to know people through people and strike up a conversation. Sometimes, the acquaintance develops into something more, a relationship perhaps? A lasting bond of friendship for life? Often times it does not.

People come and people go. Dispute this with me you may. Yet, go onto any ‘friendship-making’ website today (the most popular has to be Friendster.com), and you will see that friends are listed mercilessly, down to the exact figure. Friendster claims I have ‘241 friends’ as of today, the twelfth of January in the year 2007 A.D. But it does not include those whom I didn’t update into its vast records, the ‘forgotten’ – whether purposely or intentionally. And even of these ‘241 friends’, how many of them do I actually, honestly talk to or still keep in touch with? Making a cursory glance over the list, I came up with the dismal figure of ‘20’.

20…out of 241 ‘friends’. WOW…

How far can we see our friendships, or relationships lasting? As far as the murky skies that cloud and dot the horizon? Or beyond? I’m at the point in life where I feel that I’ve made an important discovery, or perhaps, realization.

Friends promise you their allegiance. But any political scientist would tell you that “there are no permanent allies, only permanent interests”. And certainly we live in a political world.

Would I deny that I have kept in touch with these 20 people for various agendas that I may have to fulfill my “permanent interests”? I can’t say. Consciously, I make an effort to keep good relationships with my friends, whether close or not. Subconsciously, it may be otherwise. I may desire future business contacts with a certain friend of mine who seems to be doing well in his networking circle. I may desire to further a relationship with a person whose social background is of ‘upper-crust’ polish.

What I do hope is that I am not doing any of these.

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“For we walk by faith, not by sight” (2 Corinthians 5:7). In God we place our faith, and in God we trust.

I want to trust in God about everything I do. My friendships seem to be going down the drain? Some friends have commented that I spend a lot of time in my relationship, and that it has seemingly distanced me from them (they put it in a joking manner, but I got the gist of it). I want it to work out (but then again, who doesn’t?). But it is head-knowledge that we must commit the relationship - ALL relationships - to God, and that only He is able to "give and take away", as according to His will.

Must it be an opportunity-cost kind of scenario – where its either-me-or-you, never both going together?
Can't I have my cake and eat it? Other friends whom I used to hang out with have almost gone into a communication stasis with me.

Of the few who still keep in touch actively with me, I thank you all (Thanks to you Jansen…if you’re reading this now. Always asking when the next dim sum meeting is, even when what happens is often a postponement after postponement. Thanks Joseph, for just popping by last week after New Year’s Day mass at church. It was a pleasant surprise).

I prayed this prayer before I left the sanctuary of the rooftop, before returning to the world below:

“God, Please let me meet good people. God, please help me keep my friends I’ve made, and cherish them with my heart and actions. I entrust myself into your hands, to shape and mould me to serve them as You will, through me. Remind me…always, of the motto of Sandhurst, inspired by your God-fearing servants: “Serve to Lead”. Amen.

So many thoughts.

I keep on a smile, wherever I am. I like people to see me happy. It averts the questions and debates, the comments and queries.

Its hard to keep on smiling in this world.

I’m struggling.